Why Do I Keep Ending Up in the Same Relationship? Understanding Repetition in Love

Have you ever found yourself asking, “Why do I keep dating the same kind of person?” or “Why does every relationship feel like a repeat of the last—when it’s not even what I want?” If so, you’re far from alone. This question surfaces regularly in therapy, and it often points to deeper, often unconscious dynamics playing out beneath the surface of our romantic lives.

This post explores why some people find themselves stuck in cycles of unsatisfying or unfulfilling relationships—and how therapy can help break the pattern.

Recognising the Pattern

It can be confusing and frustrating to notice that your relationships keep ending in similar ways. Perhaps your partners are emotionally unavailable. Maybe you always end up feeling neglected, overly responsible, or anxious. Or you might keep finding yourself in power imbalances—feeling controlled or like you’re the one doing all the emotional labour. Despite different faces, names, or initial spark, something familiar—and often painful—repeats.

This phenomenon is often referred to as repetition compulsion, a psychological process first described by Sigmund Freud. In this pattern, a person unconsciously recreates dynamics from early relationships, usually those with caregivers, in an attempt to resolve past emotional wounds (Freud, 1920/1955).

Where Do These Patterns Come From?

To understand repetitive relationship choices, we often need to look at the early relational environment—our family systems and attachment histories.

1. Attachment Styles

The theory of attachment, originally developed by John Bowlby (1969), helps us understand how early caregiving relationships shape the way we bond as adults. If you received consistent, responsive care as a child, you’re more likely to develop a secure attachment style. But if your emotional needs were met inconsistently—or not at all—you may have developed an insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant, or disorganised).

For example:

• Anxiously attached individuals may pursue relationships with emotionally unavailable partners in an attempt to “win” the love they never consistently received.

• Avoidantly attached people might choose partners who are highly dependent or emotionally intense, confirming their belief that closeness is overwhelming.

These attachment styles can lead us to unconsciously gravitate toward relationships that feel familiar—not necessarily good but known.

2.  Core Beliefs and Self-Worth

Another reason we repeat unhealthy patterns is due to internalised beliefs formed early in life. If someone grew up being told—directly or indirectly—that they were not enough, too much, or responsible for others’ emotions, they may carry those beliefs into adulthood. These beliefs influence the kind of relationships we tolerate or seek out. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) refers to these as core beliefs—deep-seated assumptions about us, others, and the world (Beck, 1976).

People often pick partners who mirror or reinforce these core beliefs, even when doing so brings pain. For example, someone who believes they’re unlovable might unconsciously choose partners who are critical or emotionally distant, reinforcing that belief over and over again.

3. Familiarity Feels Like Safety

The brain craves familiarity. From a survival standpoint, what is known—even if it’s painful—feels safer than the unknown. If chaos, inconsistency, or emotional withdrawal were part of your formative relationships, those dynamics can become your emotional baseline.

This isn’t about fault or failure. It’s about the nervous system doing what it was trained to do. According to Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011), our nervous system is wired to detect “safety” based on past experiences. If drama or distance was part of your emotional landscape, your system may interpret similar patterns as normal—even comforting.

Seeing the pattern can take time

The Role of the Unconscious

Much of this repetition happens unconsciously. You’re not choosing a similar partner on purpose. Rather, there’s often an unspoken emotional logic at play—a hope that this time, the story will end differently.

This is where psychoanalytic and integrative therapists often speak about “the compulsion to repeat.” It’s not just masochism or low self-esteem. It’s a deep wish to master an old hurt: “If I can get this unavailable person to love me, I can finally heal that childhood wound.”

Unfortunately, this rarely works—at least not in the way we hope. Instead of healing, we often just re-experience the same pain.

How Therapy Can Help

Breaking the cycle begins with awareness, and therapy offers a space where that awareness can grow. A skilled therapist offers not just tools and insight, but also a relationship that can be healing in itself.

Here’s how therapy can help shift the pattern:

1. Understanding the Origins

In therapy, you can explore where these patterns began. This may involve revisiting childhood experiences, early attachments, and significant formative relationships. By naming the emotional logic behind your choices, the repetition begins to lose its unconscious grip.

2. Building Secure Attachment

The therapeutic relationship itself can provide a corrective emotional experience. In a consistent, safe, and attuned relationship with a therapist, clients begin to experience what secure attachment feels like. Over time, this can reshape internal working models of self and others (Wallin, 2007).

3. Challenging Core Beliefs

Therapy offers a space to challenge internalised narratives—like “I’m not worthy of love” or “I always have to prove myself.” As these beliefs are brought into conscious awareness, they can be examined, questioned, and gradually replaced with more compassionate truths.

4. Learning New Relational Skills

Sometimes, the repetition is partly behavioural. For example, if someone has never been taught to set boundaries or express needs, they may end up in relationships where their voice gets lost. Therapy can help build these skills—assertiveness, emotional regulation, boundary-setting—that empower more balanced, nourishing relationships.

5. Developing Self-Compassion

Perhaps most importantly, therapy supports the development of self-compassion. Rather than beating yourself up for your relationship history, therapy helps you understand those patterns with curiosity and kindness. This shift alone can be profoundly healing.

We can learn to change the patterns

Breaking the Cycle: A Journey, Not a Switch

Change rarely happens all at once. These patterns were built over years—often decades—and it’s normal to take time to unlearn them. You may still be drawn to similar people, or find yourself falling into familiar roles. But with greater awareness and support, you begin to make different choices.

And here’s the paradox: sometimes the relationships that are truly good for us feel unfamiliar at first. They may seem “boring” or lack the highs and lows of previous dynamics. But over time, those relationships can offer the safety, respect, and mutuality that our younger selves never knew how to ask for.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve found yourself stuck in the same kind of relationship over and over again, please know you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. These patterns often reflect unmet needs, unconscious hopes, and the lasting imprints of early emotional experiences.

Therapy offers a path toward understanding, healing, and change. It can help you step out of painful cycles, build healthier relationships, and—most importantly—reconnect with the version of yourself that knows you deserve more.

You are worthy of the kind of love that doesn’t need to be earned, chased, or fixed. The kind of love that meets you where you are, and helps you grow from there.

References

• Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. International Universities Press.

• Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

• Freud, S. (1955). Beyond the Pleasure Principle (J. Strachey, Trans.). In J. Strachey (Ed.), The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud (Vol. 18, pp. 1–64). Hogarth Press. (Original work published 1920)

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.

• Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in Psychotherapy. Guilford Press.